Out but not Down

I went to the audition on Sunday. Last night I got a phone call from the director personally thanking me for showing up and asking if I wanted a critique. I did. He asked me what I thought went wrong and I told him that I felt wooden.

He said that my fatal weakness was my vocal quality-- he said that my poise was great considering that I was doing dramatic scenes. "Loose"would have not worked. He said that my body played to the audience, but that I had this weak voice. He considered calling me back but told me that while vocal diction can be brushed up on, if an actor doesn't have it, it may or may not be learned and he couldn't risk that. He didn't know me well enough or my history to know this.

He could tell that I was a singer which shocked me. (I'm not a singer.) I want to get private voice lessons because I cannot afford to drive to town for more classes at the college, but I would not say that I am a singer. I love to sing but I'm not quite there.

Anyway, he asked me if there were any plays that I am really interested in and I told him that there are and which one it is that I really want. He advised me on what to do and what I need to overcome.

I am so glad that I got through that audition and I am really happy that I met the director. I wish him the very best and will probably go to any play he directs just because I have decided that he is a super person.

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One of my sons today decided (out of the blue) to flip cars off. He's 10 and knows better. Well, he said, the kid across the street was doing it. He said that the kid across the street told him to. I just about burst out laughing. "Too bad he can't help you with your homework."

My son said, "It's summer and I don't have homework."

I said, "Oh yes, you have homework. And before you go back out to play, you need to have your times tables memorized."

He complained. He's in a special ed. class! He doesn't have it easy! Can't he have a second chance? I said no-- I graduated from UoMM on the and made straight A's. ("What's the U-oh-M-M?" "University of Mean Mommies.") He's working on his multiplication tables. He has a second chance to learn his multiplication tables. Lucky him!

I never, ever thought that I would be one of those mothers who couldn't wait until summer got over-- but I think it is too long. I am not homeschooling the older kids. They have to be occupied every-single-second or they get into mischief! It's not just mine-- it's the kids on the street, too. We live in a decent area. When I got bored in South Central Alaska, I hiked or mucked stalls. I don't have the money to put them in summer schools and I wish that I did.

I feel like Private Benjamin when she was in Boot Camp saying, "Where are the condo's?" I did not expect this in parenting. My husband is talking to the kid across the street's parents and to the house where he and one of my other kids were allegedly throwing rocks. He is nipping the problem in the bud. (I hope.) Two of the kids were playing with some kids who were throwing rocks. My kids are in trouble for not immediately coming home. We don't know the involvement level-- you know how it is with kids, everyone is blaming each other. My husband dragged our kids over to apologize for their involvement. This same house where rocks had been thrown at has a couple of dogs, one of who bit one of my sons and just nipped him, but didn't break the skin. My husband went and talked to them-- he said that when our kids do something wrong, they have to be able to admit it.

I am starting to get headaches. I know a lot of women who are around my age with kids the same ages. They start getting headaches and I think that I know why. Is it teeth grinding? Stress? Summer is half over. . . I can make it. So will they. Their teachers will all be telling me at the parent teacher meetings what great kids I have, just like they always do. My kids will glow with pride. I will not tell them that they can be naughty or how awful they can be-- they are not naughty or awful most of the time. They are not awful-- just mischievous at times.

I hope this won't be like this all the time. I do feel that my husband's actions will stop them from ever doing it again.

One of my friends told me that in China, they would take kids between the ages of 11 & 13 and put them on farms just to give them manual work. I see the need for it. I don't believe in the Mao's mandates, but they had a point in occupying kids of this age.

1st Audition in 22 Years

I auditioned this evening for a play. I bombed-- other women go to these things in pairs. I have no idea what I was thinking by going. I was wooden and stiff, like Pinocchio before he became a real person.

I got home and Darrin asked how I did. I started to rip myself apart and he held up his hand and said, "The kids are in the room."

I gushed about how proud of myself I was for just getting up there are trying my best. The kids wanted to hear how well I did. THAT was my great act of the night with me saying that I did well but that others were better and that I probably won't get the one female part. My husband said that I deserved dessert date and he took me to one of our nicer restaurants for burnt cream and coffee.

Why do I do this to myself? I have no friends who do this, I just woke up and said, "I think I'll try out for a play today!" I was insecure and wore a pretty dress and pearls and acted like I just got out of church. Everyone else was in jeans. I should have worn jeans. The others-- they showed up with friends. I didn't do poorly because I didn't have support-- I am capable of bombing on my own, thank you very much!

I know I won't get the part, yet I know that I will keep peeking at the web site to see who got the parts and will be sad (for 12 seconds) when I don't get it. The kids want to see it no matter what, and we will have to budget for it. My husband says that most of the time in life we do not get everything we want and that knowing how to lose is as important as knowing how to win. He's not prepping them for failure, but he is prepping them for life. He admires my tenacity in trying and genuinely means it when he says he is proud of me and this is why my kids are into as much as they can be even if they are not stars. He always tells them that the only failure is a failure to try-- and I demonstrate it terribly well.

I still wish that I was wildly successful and raising spoiled brats anyway.

Edited later: the director just posted pics of us at the auditions. I am taking every dress that I have and getting a picture of myself in it and looking at it. The outfit that I wore was terrible-- my eyes! My eyes! Of course Darrin wouldn't tell me how wrong it looked on me. ~sigh~