Where am I going?

As of late, I have been trying to figure out what direction to take my blog. For anyone sticking with me, I am thankful.

When I started writing this, I was an isolated mother with lots of children and I was identified by the sheer number. I still have lots of children, but two are in their 20's now, and the youngest is about to start kindergarten. I have left my husband's church because I cannot handle the smell of incense and I have a couple of the kids at a different church that they love. (Cloud has become an organizer in the church for events for her group. This church isn't full of triger-happy survivalist types, thank goodness.) People don't normally know me as that mom with 9 kids now that many see me with just a couple of them. My seven left at home are in three different schools and while I volunteer, no one sees me with all of them.

A few weeks ago, a friend got on me for not working and for making my husband support us all. He jeered at me, "Why haven't you finished your degree? What do you tell people when they ask what you do?" Gosh, I tried to finish my degree-- when I started to tell him, he said that all I was offering him were excuses. When I told him that no one but him had an issue with me not working, he didn't seem to believe me. I was depressed for a while over it. (My husband started to talk to me about working. I was like, "That is fine, but you have to start cleaning." I used to work in the evenings and I also took some classes and I'd come home around 10pm and he'd be watching TV and dishes would still be on the table. Floors still need to be vacuumed, windows wiped off, they all have to happen, and if I am working in the evening, I am going to sleep at different hours. After more thinking on his part, he dropped it.) I think that as I am a housewife, I embarrassed my friend. He got into his head that I talked about him-- and when I thought we had a mutual friend, he told me to not talk about him to her and that it would be "a test." I guess housewives do nothing but jabber to other people about him in his world.

I've dealt with things that I have to write about months later because, while the kids don't see my blog, it is about privacy for them.

I am getting more involved with my art. My mentor found me, and he is making me think. Today he said to me, "Do not run from me. I am not your professor, I will not fail you. Just. . . think. Don't think tonight, think in a few days." Of course I am up at 3:30 thinking about what he said.

For years I have painted and drawn, and I had one fan for whom I produced many works given that we wrote snail mail. For my mentor I am starting to go back, not to the works that I did, but to what I am seeing, and creating. What have I seen that has moved me today? What catches my eye? Do it in pastel, now recreate it in water colors. Work fast, I haven't much time, I can usually go back.

I have an art show planned for September of 2012. I am finding themes in my work. Art is a language unto itself. I do envelope art and my art always says, "I love you, I have prayed for you, I thought good thoughts of you for however long it took me to make this." I do not know if the envelope art will make it into the show-- it is hard to create it just because I have a show coming up. "Oh cool! Art on an envelope!" Yes, it is nice, but for whom am I making it? Having an audience is important because I have direction. Now that I have a mentor, he is guiding me and ultimately, I can always create for him since so much of what we discuss manifests itself into my work.

I assisted at a friend's art show a couple of weeks ago. It was private and very elegant. I discovered that unplanned "fiascoes" are really opportunities in disguise. I went along to help set up easels (I think I was asked to help because I have a big vehicle!) on which to put up work, but given time constraints, I didn't have time to change from volunteering at the elementary school to where I had dressed almost like an elf in striped stockings, a mini skirt (not micro-- it was cute!) and bright colors. I arrived and was setting up when the people putting on the art show realized that they'd not booked the caterer to cater-- just to make food! They were having several guests come over and they asked me to stay to help serve. Since I was with my artist pal, I was there for him and was happy to do what I could. Their plans for the kids didn't work out because the kids got tired of watching a movie, so I had a container full of art supplies from the kids' school. I did an art project with the kids that the parents wanted to try, too! What had been planned to be an event from six to eight or nine lasted until eleven o'clock at night with fascinating stories and people bonding.

I get really embarrassed because I spend a lot of time at FaceBook. I don't spend too much time there, but on one of my accounts, I often access it from my phone. The particular group of people has my base of friends from 30 years ago, as well as close new friends. We post encouraging notes to each other-- it is like. . . . getting a dozen Hallmark cards every day! I recently posted something about my eldest daughter and how proud of her I am, and my friends who are also friends with said daughter were really wonderful because they know her, too. They told me that I had so much potential when I was younger, but that no amount of professional accolades and education could trump what they are becoming as people, and that the sacrifices that I have made are worth it. I am so blessed to be seeing it in my lifetime, and I hope that the younger ones will also be as wonderful for their sakes. (I think they already are!)

I am not ready for Starshine to enter school. We had a late snow the other day and she wanted to walk. I parked a few blocks away and she tramped through people's yards as I walked on the sidewalk. I asked my she was walking in the snow and she said it was so other people could follow her. At one point she paused and looked at her foot prints and said to me that her footprints are art. It was awesome. As we walked, I realized that it may be the last I walk with her to school in the snow. Next year, she will be an eager kindergartner. I may volunteer, but it won't be the same. I really want to have more babies. As she grows, I am also getting older. Sure, I am 43 and I am quite young looking, but age is a funny thing and you cannot escape it if you live. I hope to make the most of every year and be a wonderful role model on how to age well.

I suppose that like StarShine, I, too, am leaving footprints.

G-d Grant You Many Years, Tiger!

Tiger is 20 today. She doesn't read my blog but I wish her a G-d grant her many here because I hope y'all send her happy vibes!

OK, turning 40 almost 4 months ago made me feel kind of old. Having my eldest child turn 20 is an age marker and I feel old, although a couple of weeks ago when we went shopping for paint, a sales lady at XXXXXX thought that she and I were sisters and that Starshine (who gloms on to her when she is home) was Tiger’s baby! If Tiger turning 20 makes me feel old, I will be a bit blue in 17 years when Starshine turns 20. Something tells me that no one will think that we are sisters then . . . I will miss her when she leaves for Wyoming to fight fires. I wish that I had the money to buy her a return ticket home or me a ticket to fly down to see her at the moment she needs me, but I have faith that she won’t need it. Of course she will not need me. Right? (Tea bursts into tears!) The kids all love her so much. She is a ray of sunshine and sweetness. A bit oblong in this world of circles, but she comes by it naturally. She says she is not worried because she knows I will pray for her 24/7-- I told her that this is a bad insurance policy!

She was born the day before the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill. My ex bought a pearl necklace for me and I was really embarrassed because we were borrowing money from my parents to pay doctor bills. Everyone said that he doted on me, but he did that because he wanted to look "big"-- he was that way. My then-husband was bragging about what he spent, slapped me across the face for asking him to return it so we could pay for doctor bills and get the necklace in 10-20 years when we could afford it, and he'd scream at me for not wanting his pushy mother around us for our "Candle Light Dinner." She was ten years older than I am now, but she was as mature as a 2 year old. I still don't like her, but I don't need to worry about that because both of my daughters are now over 18 and she is OK to them-- manipulative as hell, but they know how to handle her because I raised them.

I would try to quietly divorce her father a few months later. My parents wanted me to stay with him, "reasoning" that if I wasn't calling the police that I must have deserved to be slapped and simultaneously asking why I kept the bloody necklace when begging for money that they didn't expect to ever get back. I had always thought that my dad would have killed anyone who hurt me, but he tried to guilt me in to staying with him. That was a long time ago.

I remember birthing Tiger like it happened yesterday. I was in a c-section and I wasn't "out"-- I could still hear and feel, but as much as it hurt, I was thankful to G-d that I could be present. The doctor was not related to me, but I told her that my baby was claustrophobic and that she'd be big. The doctor said that she never had big babies and she was a bit bigger than I was so mine would be small and that she couldn't be claustrophobic. She weighed 9.8 and would not be swaddled when they tried to! I was right! I knew!

I do not know how many more times I will see her. She came home yesterday, very much excited and hoping to pass the test (running 3 miles with 45 pounds on her back 25 minutes in a few weeks) and can’t wait to go to Wyoming. We get 20% off at her store on a special night and she is bringing us to there to shop for our bathroom remodel. . . this may be one of our last projects with her before she starts having children of her own and hopefully comes home. I so much worry about my children being as disjoined as my sisters and I. She says they won’t be, that my kids are as much her kids in some ways because she helped out so much and would quit college to care for them if G-d forbid anything happened to Darin and me. (And I have whined about a lack of career!)

I just became 40. . .

My birthday was a good day, but I am studying and I am 40 now. This song is by the Traveling Wilburys and it was going through my head all day.

I had an allergic reaction to the wine that I drank at lunch and it happened off one glass of wine, but it was a nice time. More later.

The Wind is Dying Down (Finally)

Winter break is always too long. We spent a fortune on presents and the weather has been bad, and I am stuck inside with my kids over the break. This is not a bad thing because I love them, but their interactions with each other have me wondering why they like not being in school. I get them organized with art projects and Cloud shrieks at her brothers, "Moooom! Tell Guy to stop bothering me!" Cloud communicates in shrieks and high pitched sounds. Guy, with speech impairments, starts speaking a mile a minute and I am saying, "WAIT! No one is in trouble!" Usually the fight is over something ridiculous. No-- all the time, 100% of the time, the fight is over something ridiculous.

I think the most amusing thing is when she complains that he is LOOKING at her. My comment to "just ignore him" falls on deaf ears.

Basil is almost 10 and he is a bright ray of sunshine in my day. I don't expect him to be a little saint. Basil was born a turkey, but he has some sweet moments. He's smart and he's driven. During these breaks, he knows that I get stressed out. The other day Cloud was having a fury over being asked to set the table-- she does everything, you know-- and I told her to drop and give me 10 push-ups for her comment. (Push-ups are my favorite punishment because they are good for them, they don't hurt, and they make them take a minute out to think. It's also cute when Starshine or Mudd come in and offer to do some. The person in trouble can't help but smile at the comic relief.) Basil walked in and asked if he could make the salad while I made the rest of dinner. Cloud was furious with him and muttered at him when she came into the kitchen to get the silverware and subsequently did 10 more push-ups. (She is going to be built like Arnold Schwarzenegger if she keeps her sassy comments!) Basil enjoys working outside with my husband when he shovels the driveway and basically takes initiative. Cloud and Guy do not. I do not worry about Basil driving-- the kid will remember to change out his oil and put gas in his car, and if he gets stopped by a policeman, he will be courteous and polite.

The other night my driveway was glaciated. The wind had packed snow around my SUV up to the door handles and it was a solid pack of snow from my door to my SUV. My husband asked the boys to help him out. Cloud started whining when he asked her if she wanted to go out and he said fine, but that she needed to fold a load of clothes. She was happy for this because it was windy and said she was glad to be in. I was wrapping up dinner and had the little kids. They came in 45 minutes later and Cloud had been watching TV. I put hot chocolate out for the guys and the little kids. Cloud asked why there was none for her. . . I told her that as soon as she folded the one load of laundry that she could have some. O the drama! "Dad always lets the boys work outside! Never ME."

Me: "Drop and give me 10."

Cloud: "MOOOOM! You are so unfair."

Me: "OK, 12."

More arguing and I kept going up and we got to 22. Then she jabbed my math ability. "Then I can start counting by 10's!" She did more push ups.

I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with her. This will be a long next 6 years with her. All my complaints about her I wonder if my parents felt the same way about me. My mom says I wasn't as bad-- but I figure skated and was in bed at 8 each night to get to lessons at 4:30 most school days. (I wasn't good at figure skating.)

But you see-- this will pass. Erratic actions and mood swings on her part will give way to sweetness in 20 minutes if I hang in there and don't get mad back. I do yell, but I try to be like a PE coach and not raise my tone, "You are about to get push-ups. Keep talking like you are and you will do 10 push-ups before you do this task."

My main concern is having the little ones mimic her thinking that it's just a tool of communication.

This isn't easy-- and I laugh because people used to upset me saying that girls and boys were different. Girls are differrent from each other! Each child is different!

The wind has died down and I will be getting the kids out to the hill to sled today.

My birthday is in 12 days. I wish it wasn't so close to the break. This makes me feel old. Guy turns 11 this weekend-- now THAT makes me feel old. We have four birthdays this month. My husband gets paid a few days after my birthday so we will celebrate after that.

My Favorite Part of the Big Holidays

Dinner has been long consumed and now my husband and kids are playing in the living room and dining room.

Yesterday Tiger couldn't make it in and wanted to bring a friend. My house was not dirty, but cluttered. We went into high gear. Darrin had been tired and on the computer most of the night but had to put some toys together (I got the kids a puppet theater and they spent most of the day on it) and he did that, got toys out of boxes and engineered getting various toys put into stockings while Cloud and I vacuumed and baked. Of course what I'd made a few days ago was consumed before last night so I was starting from scratch. My pie crusts weren't rolling out right so I made cobblers and everything turned out OK.

This morning we woke to listening to the kids in the living room getting into their stockings and telling each other to be quiet! We put a few puzzles in and got a few extra winks. We got up and soon the living room was a sea of wrapping paper. Calamity Jane was thrilled with her new pony (a little one in from a toy store, not a stable) and the boys were quickly engaged in their Leggo sets. Cloud-- I have no idea what gets into her. Everything was about people not paying attention to her! She was happy with her clothes and games, but it was soon, "You bought the boys cool sets and forgot about ME and now you are only playing with THEM." I combated her by responding to her only with chirps of joy, as if she were saying sweet things.

We went to church and it was packed. We only took Calamity Jane because Peaches was sick and the others, wanting to stay home and play, would have never been ready on time had we made them go and claimed they were also sick with what Peaches had. Our priest wanted everyone to sing and told us in a church meeting a few weeks ago and a few of the ladies told Calamity that she sang well. To Calamity Jane it is a personal responsibility to sing in church. I told her that she could stay home if she wanted but she said, "Mom! It is important that I sing! Gloria is expecting me there!" She arrived and went up to Gloria and stood with her and it was sweet.

As we left the church, Tiger let us know she'd be later than expected with her friend and I was glad when she showed up that she came. Her friend is beautiful and knows a lot of people in the Valley. She was probably overwhelmed by us, but I hope she comes back with Tiger.

Tiger's boyfriend is a sweetheart. They've been dating for a few years and I like how he treats her. He wore a Santa hat and brought in presents later on in the evening. The younger kids climbed all over him and were very happy to see him. I don't know why he is not overwhelmed but he is not. He says he loves coming over! That made me happy.

Now. . . my birthday is coming up. I don't like birthdays. It's an extra expense, and they stress me out because I DO CARE about them. I want to get boudoir shots taken. I have been getting them done every few years since I was 19. I won't get them on my day-- it's too close and I need to buy from the post-Christmas sales. I want to buy a fuzzy robe and slippers and at the end of my session, pose like that with a cigarette dangling from my lips! I think that if I make a calendar for my husband, that will be my June pose for it! I don't like my 19 year old shots as much as I thought I would. They are definitely pretty, but they are not confident like the ones from when I was 36 and had just had a baby 3 months before. My mom says that I am not yet in the prime of my life and that my 50 year old poses will be amazing. I am liking this. I'm not talking about skank here-- these poses are always a blast and I put a lot of thought into them. My husband spends a great deal of time cracking up a them. I in fact SNAGGED my husband with a portrait after he broke up with me. I was really sad when we split up so I sent him a picture of me in hip waders, a garter belt, funky hat with lures all over it, and a fishing vest. Nothing "nasty" was shown, it was a perfectly normal picture and I showed it to my mother. I wrote, "Some women use beauty to get a man, but I just use a lure."