Cleaning house, doing homework

My job is not to be the friend or a coach to my kids. Coaches only have the kids for two hours and they send them home!

For years, I was constantly trying to stay on top of getting the house clean. It was something that eluded me. First because I had no mommy mentors to speak of-- my mom had four kids but my older sisters only had 2 and 3 each and are in their 50's and we have nothing in common. Second because people would give us things and I felt bad not using them even though they were just cast-offs. Sometimes people dropped stuff by in the middle of the night and my kids hauled the stuff in. I hated it then and I am not interested in it now!

The rental house was too small for us and again, we had a problem post fire that everyone wanted to give us stuff that we didn't need. I literally felt like I was drowning. I got good at turning people down by simply saying thank you, but that we didn't need anything but if they didn't need it, I'd be happy to help them get it over to the local thrift store.

In our new house, order is paramount to me. The former owners did a terrific job painting this house that we now own. (I think the former lady of the house was an interior designer.) I love having space and energy flows well.

The epiphany that I had the other day has really opened my eyes. I have a few kids struggling in school and I realized that if I can't knit simple lace or stay focused in knitting entrelac, they can't study. (Tea pauses for everyone to nod their approval, then she runs when they want to slap her for not figuring this out before.) But now it isn't about Mom make the miscreants behave so she can stay sane. This is far bigger than my sanity: the kids have to behave in a manner that doesn't take away from their siblings being able to learn, and they have to exhibit study skills that their younger siblings should emulate.

As I have shed junk I am also having the kids shed attitudes that I believe inhibbit their abilities to learn. I made the mistake of letting Cloud have a friend over a couple of weeks ago and she let her chores go saying as she was getting ready for her friend to come over that she couldn't do them and they didn't get done. Well, she had time to do them between coming home and her friend coming over. Another son went to a friends' house and again it was, "Sorry! I'm getting ready to go! I am going to Mike's house!" No, he still had to do his chores! So they have to give me six weeks of chores and homework done consistently well so that they are habits before friends come over or they join friends. I am not being a jerk about this as much as they seem to think I am being one!

When my two eldest children were in high school, by the way they cried when my husband made them study chemistry and math, you'd think he was physically torturing them. I saw a clip on youtube of that mother with 8 kids on DWTS ans how she whined the whole time and my eldest daughters made her look tame by how they said that their step father was not thinking about how they learned-- my husband's brain is wired like theirs and knew how to teach them, it is part of his job to teach complete idiots how to operate their computers. I'd run out of my bedroom begging my husband to stop and to let them fail. Seriously, they had the whine down better than a new baby that legitimately needed Mommy. (My husband fortunately ignored me.) I should have stopped them in their tracks on the whining and said, "This is not how you are to respond to your step father or how you behave in this family. You may leave the table after you understand what you are learning."

We just had parent teacher conferences and found out more about what the kids are learning. PTC's are always informative. My kids are doing well, but they could do A work if they just put in a little more effort. Habits make people, so they have to learn now.

I believe that with a clean environment, you can focus on what you need to do with school work. My parents had a cleaning lady come over a few times a week, but I had to fold a load of laundry every day when I got home and I was making amazing dinners from the time I was 14 onwards. (OK, I didn't learn to vacuum till I was 18, but that's another story!) It is a headache to chase after kids with chores. I hate nagging. . .  but it's not nagging; it is called parenting. I am having to make lists of what everyone does and I hate doing this. What I am realizing is that with one or two kids, you probably don't need lists. You know if the work is done or not and who with was assigned to. I need a list to keep me on track, and with seven independent variables, they need it just as bad as a group! I will be putting ours into a book with page protectors in th kitchen. Each kid will have a list and dates and then in the back of the binder will be room specific information.

On room specific information, it is almost funny why it is needed. I know that as a teenager, my mom had to ride me on what cleaning the bathroom meant. With my own kids, they are the same. If I tell Cloud that she is to clean the bathroom, she cleans the vanity, the mirror and the toilet seat (not the lid or the rim.) If I tell Guy to clean the bathroom, he put's Cloud's make-up in her room and he sometimes cleans the rim of the toilet. They ignore trash and toys on the floor and toys left by the younger kids that are in the tub, they don't change out the trash. If there is toothpaste in the sink, they don't even wipe it up. They are not lazy! These kids are happy to help neighbors with their fences and unload groceries for friends parents. They have to be taught and they have to be reminded.

My husband and I have fought over him staying up watching Power Rangers at 10:30 at night on a school night because the kids stay up. (I am winning.) By having a set time for bed and the kids seeing that I am strict with it, they are already managing their time better.

Last night my husband took the kids to a harvest festival and I stayed home to clean. I didn't mind it. I changed the little kids' sheets and today the older ones will have me standing in their rooms while they change sheets and pick up under their beds.

This will all come togther, but this isn't easy. The beauty of it is that it isn't supposed to be easy but that as parents, this is what we do.

Enjoying VD

Tonight instead of me making dinner for my husband, my husband took me out. I hate Valentines Day, but tonight I have to say that I liked it. I like going out and sitting in a nice place with other women dressed up with their husbands being extra sweet to them. I love to order the specials that the restaurants make for people who go out, specials priced a little lower to lure in customers like us who might not otherwise go out. I know that we need to worry about how we are on the other 364 days of the year, but this is just nice. Darrin spoke of how much he hates work-- it annoys me as i wish he'd look for another job but he keeps saying how much he really loves it, but he was charming most of the time. We ordered a "sweethearts special" and there was probably enough food on the huge platter for four people, and we took home extras for the older two daughters who were in charge and still awake when we got home.

Afterward, we were to go to another restaurant for desert because we both love the ice cream at another place. As it was, we stopped in a _____ shop where I took a second look and realized that the owner was there when I saw it was open because I wanted to get something for Tiger that this shop has exclusively. The lady is very religious and is doing a fundraiser for a certain situation. Somehow my work with Hospice got brought up and she was telling me of some tragic miscarriages that she had. (Death related.) My husband was so nice-- he wasn't mad for how much time we took and she told me some amazing stories. Before we left she gave me a hug and she told me how shocked she was that I had so many kids because she thought that we were doting over our only child! That made me feel good-- other people see us loving our children, as many as there are, as if they are each our onlies.

I went to the prison earlier this week. We were all sharing our stories of life, and one inmate said to me that I must be a great mom. I thanked her but told her that with my husband gone (he'd be gone Monday through Friday night) that I was one step away from boarding the eldest four left at home up for military school. She was having problems with her own teenager and she was relieved that it was a teen issue, not an issue focused on her being locked up. I have a few penpals there-- I don't share much from my life with them since I am a religious volunteer and i have to maintain an image, so I started sending them jokes from the internet. It made me so happy when one of my ladies said that she starts laughing when she sees my handwriting, wondering what I will tell her. I did have to tell one lady something-- she is having a really rough time personally-- not with anyone else, but just inside herself. I thought that my pregnancies were long, that they would never end, but she has at least 6 more years in there. she is doing something that church frowns on-- it's not illegal or against the prison rules, but church would have issues. As a result, she isn't going to our studies. I told her that life is still hard when it's easy, and that she doesn't have it easy at all, that she needs to do what she needs to make it, and to still come to the studies when she has the mental energy to return. I often don't even know if I believe in Christianity-- some aspects of it really turn me off (especially the verses that say that you follow Christ or fry in Hell-- some people just cannot relate to Christ!) I told her this, that I keep going because by following the practices, I am a better person for doing it. I know some very great poeple who are not Christians and I know in my heart that if there is a Heaven that they will be there!

Last week my children were being turkeys. My 10 year old Basil decided that he didn't want to clean his room, he didn't want to do his chores. He actually stepped outside and said he'd stand there until I said he didn't have to clean his room, that he was stronger than me and that there was nothing I could do to make him. I told him that he could have it his way and to come in. He used terms like, "I aint gunna!" and, "I don' hafta!" His Cockney accent annoyed me more than his obstinate attitude.

I changed his password on the computer and altered his account so he could only get PBSKIDS and a few other URL's that the tiny kids like. He really wanted to do his school work (he does care about that) and play a certain game. When he finally got the password to his account out of me, I shook my head as I didn't know what he had to do to get to the other sites. He decided to clean his room and fold some clothes and get the kitchen floor. (Yes I am here all the time, but if they don't take turns cleaning the bathroom, mopping the kitchen floor, folding clothes, they forget that they use the bathroom, scuff up the kitchen floor and use their clothes and throw clean stuff into the hamper, they forget that SOMEONE has to deal with these things.) After a bit he told me that he did his chores and did more than he originally was asked to do, and would I please make it so he could get on the other sites! I fixed it but told him that "old age and treachery overcomes youthful persistence every time, Kid."