One of those moments. . .

I feel like I shouldn't exist. (I'm not suicidal. I feel like a complete f--- up; I'd not succeed! LOL) My writing is rubbish, my artwork is trash. I am very upset. Nothing is going right. I try to set aside time to do things and it doesn't get done because of some crises with my husband or children and my husband demands that he and the kids come first. Big smile. I so much want out of my present life. He's traveling for two weeks soon-- half is work, but the other half isn't.

I feel like an idiot for having signed up for that massage school with that teacher who was so unprofessional and I had to play his game to keep going. We just got the money order to pay it off, and I have to beg my husband for money to pay off school (late fees just hit) and I feel very trapped. My husband is not happy with me for that school and mocks him, "You went to this school to learn to fluff auras and you want money for college?" I really thought I'd be able to do well. I love giving massages, I love getting them!

The kids are doing well reading and getting their work done. I shouldn't complain. It's 3:30AM-- I'm not getting my stats because it's so damned late!

I just did my Alaska science class. I dropped chemistry because it's hard and I don't need extra work. Alaska natural science is great-- I am learning about arctic ecosystems, glaciers, and water, and soon about the animal habitats. I have to do a local project and I have to be painting by then. That will be wonderful if my muse returns or if I can paint without it and just pretend to be inspired by it.

I am with a calligrapher's group and a fellow artist told us about a friend who she was designing a monogram for and asked the group for help. They got nasty, "Are you asking us to do it for free?" Art can be free or paid for-- if you want to do it, do it and if not, don't! I am doing something for the artist who they got nasty at. My work isn't nearly as good as what that group does, but for God's sake, I'm nice. I can't stand the assault that they mounted on her over it! By the time she gets it the petty argument will have been long resolved, but right now I need back pats and to be affirmed. :( One decent piece of work begets more, right?