My muses are starting to dance again

For several years, drawing was to me like speaking. To better artists or people who just knew art, I probably "sounded" like a hill folk with my artwork, but drawing and painting was a form that I spoke in. I got shaken up and the place in my brain that draws and paints got cut off for a while.

I have hardly drawn 09-09. The only things that I cared about to rescue after the catastrophe were my paint brushes that my mom and dad gave me as a high school sophomore, some head scarves, and letters from a former friend. The scarves got tossed. The former friend was as shallow as a bird bath. But the paint brushes have been at my bedside from the rental house to the new house. My husband wanted a desk for our room and as I looked at them, I was drawn to a large wood table with drawers. When I say large, it is not a large table like the one that we having in our dining room that seats 14. But it is large for a desk, and is has drawers. It is plain but I started thinking about putting my water color blocks on it and setting my chalks out on it near my bedroom window that over looks a patio and a lovely yard. That was the first time that I felt like drawing again.

I have drawn since the fire, but it was forced. My drawing was OK, but it was like, "I think I will draw. . . a giraffe and a butterfly." So I got out my art supplies, put them around my bed, and, sitting on my bed, I forced a drawing. I had to get up many times and walk away from it and not let my husband sit on our bed for several hours. Something that is so intertwined with my emotions had me in an emotional tweak. I had no place to draw or paint, and thinking that I needed to because I hasn't done it in a while, I made myself execute them. (With as many issues as I have with my husband at times, he understands that I am connected to my work like this and he said he just wanted to watch TV, anyway.)

At our other house, I drew at the bar in my kitchen. I drew at that bar rather happily for as long as we lived there-- 10, 11 years? On those nights I would often dress up in a beautiful outfit and draw. I don't know what was with my fancy outfits, as I would take them off later and put on jeans and a t-shirt to finish them, but I had to get spiffy first. It was like my muses wanted some fun. (I blame my muses. While my husband isn't one to go to places, I wanted to go out and with so many young children, I couldn't. I was stimulated by nice things. Let's blame it on the muses because the muses are being muses and a mother of so many is being frivolous.)

In our rental, I had the supplies which I had asked my husband to get for me. The expense was great but I really needed to draw and paint. But I was never inspired. I did a couple of drawings, including one of a baby dragon and a Chinese princess, and I struggled to do them. It was like my muses were too crowded in there and found a corner to sleep and didn't want to get up. (Cranky muses are not nice.)

Here in our new place, it is almost like the house partially dictates where I will draw and paint. We have a much nicer island/bar for painting, but I took my supplies out and set things up and even had what I wanted to draw (more dragons!) and I couldn't do it. The muses had room to dance, yet they didn't come out. I worried that I couldn't draw again, then at the furniture store, the muses started getting excited.

I have also started knitting. Last year I started knitting and it gave me a sense of accomplishment, but while I could so it in closed spaces, it quickly became an art form and also shut off. I find that if I take a basic shape with something like say, a purse, the yarn tells me what it wants to do. As I work with yarn and I squeeze it and play with it, it gives me ideas. I don't get get an idea to say, bead it-- an idea comes to me on how to do it. I call my knitting teacher and describe what I am thinking and she comes up for the word. I look it up on YouTube and do it. I like how that works.

music I love

This is a very sensual rendition of Louise Tucker's Midnight Blue. It may not be safe for work. It's not tacky-- I think it is beautiful.

This second one is not sexy, but dramatic with the singer singing her song and in the video. I have two capes like hers, in black and green.



This third one is a song that I sing in the car when I go places that God sends me that I really don't like going to! It makes me very happy and I met a man who recognized me from weeks before (I live in Alaska; it's small) and he asked what I had been singing because he said that my "radiant face" cheered him up on a very sad day. When I sing this, in my heart I am dancing en pointe (in spite of painful toes) and my heart is free!

One of those moments. . .

I feel like I shouldn't exist. (I'm not suicidal. I feel like a complete f--- up; I'd not succeed! LOL) My writing is rubbish, my artwork is trash. I am very upset. Nothing is going right. I try to set aside time to do things and it doesn't get done because of some crises with my husband or children and my husband demands that he and the kids come first. Big smile. I so much want out of my present life. He's traveling for two weeks soon-- half is work, but the other half isn't.

I feel like an idiot for having signed up for that massage school with that teacher who was so unprofessional and I had to play his game to keep going. We just got the money order to pay it off, and I have to beg my husband for money to pay off school (late fees just hit) and I feel very trapped. My husband is not happy with me for that school and mocks him, "You went to this school to learn to fluff auras and you want money for college?" I really thought I'd be able to do well. I love giving massages, I love getting them!

The kids are doing well reading and getting their work done. I shouldn't complain. It's 3:30AM-- I'm not getting my stats because it's so damned late!

I just did my Alaska science class. I dropped chemistry because it's hard and I don't need extra work. Alaska natural science is great-- I am learning about arctic ecosystems, glaciers, and water, and soon about the animal habitats. I have to do a local project and I have to be painting by then. That will be wonderful if my muse returns or if I can paint without it and just pretend to be inspired by it.

I am with a calligrapher's group and a fellow artist told us about a friend who she was designing a monogram for and asked the group for help. They got nasty, "Are you asking us to do it for free?" Art can be free or paid for-- if you want to do it, do it and if not, don't! I am doing something for the artist who they got nasty at. My work isn't nearly as good as what that group does, but for God's sake, I'm nice. I can't stand the assault that they mounted on her over it! By the time she gets it the petty argument will have been long resolved, but right now I need back pats and to be affirmed. :( One decent piece of work begets more, right?