Am I Doing the Right Thing?

I am killing myself over this major change. I think I am doing the right thing.

One of the situations that I observed years ago when I was volunteering at women's shelters was that so many of the women whom I served lacked a basic education. Women who were getting ready for interviews were told to come speak to me and listen to me talk. I'd read aloud to them and help them get ready for their interviews. I loved being a certified nurses' assistant many years ago because I was helping people's basic needs and serving them. Am I not doing the same by teaching them to read? I wanted to go to college to be a doctor but that is not meant to be. Social work annoys me but it's my colleagues who got on my nerves. I NEVER had an English prof that I didn't like and I loved my classmates. Why did I ever leave the major?

I have a repulsion to words that are slang. I have a physical reaction to hearing certain words. I went off at an OB for asking me how I was peeing and sent a letter that I am certain burst into flames to a hospital ER for asking me how my tummy was feeling. I love the English language and have serious issues with people who are educated who do not! I left OBs who asked me if I was peeing OK. I got annoyed with nurses over it. I am not only an English major but uptight as well! I don't like being thus; I wish I were less like me at times.

I know I did the right thing, yet I am terrified that I won't have a job when I graduate or be able to pay my student loan debt. I will meet with my adviser in the morning. I hope I will not be wearing my insecurities on my sleeve.

When I ask friends if they think I have made the right choice they hug me or kiss my cheek and say, "You can do anything you set your mind to!" What?!! My life often reminds me more of an I Love Lucy episode with the dizziness of Suddenly Susan thrown in, than of anything serious. (None of that bawling nonsense that Lucy did. That just made me mad!) The "you can do anything you set your mind to" seems to me like a canned response. Of course they don't sit around contemplating my future-- they have more than enough on their plates to even think about what I should be ordering for my next course! I (like everyone else) has to write my own life.

I know that my path will open up to me. Umm, right?

Good Thoughts on today's events that I need to focus on:

• My tiniest baby has been making me laugh as of late. She is such a little pill. Very, very bizzy. My other kids were exhausting as I was pregnant with the next children. She is into everything as they were at this age but I feel like I am having more fun. I am tossing out baby clothes this time knowing that I won't be getting pregnant again and I feel relief. I am not happy to wind up this stage of her life, but I seem to be enjoying it while it lasts. I have not been pregnant for two years-- this is a record for me since the break between Sunshine (12) and Peaches (17.)
• My husband and I were getting on by the time we sat down this evening. That was nice because I hate being so hurt. He fixed the damned shower.
• Peaches did well on a Japanese test today, then actually understood her vocabulary words when I started miming them.
• One of my sons with special needs was put full time in to a regular classroom with promised time to resource when he needs or we think he needs it.
• Guy Smiley, my eldest son, got in on the miming and put his hand on my shoulder and in his funny way of speaking said, "See! Look at that! I'm a chip off the old block!" Just what the world needs: more mimes. More BAD mimes. :)

I complain a lot. My life is not easy. Am I complaining or just telling it like it is? It's my journal so so what.

If another person interrupts me to ask me what I do with my children when I am happily talking about my schooling. . . I am going to do what I always do and assure them that they are will taken care of by my husband. I will not slap the living daylights out of them when they ask me if he is fucking unemployed. No one asks my husband what we do with the kids when he is working! I was at my favorite candy shop today and I was asked this by another regular there. Lord, have mercy I was so mad-- I had liked the woman, too!

Am I selfish because I love what I do and look forward to being in college and working and studying? It's life and I am living it! So irritating.

My husband has to be wondering how he married anyone as stupid as me. I know I am wondering how I married anyone like him. Are these phases normal in marriage? He tells me that I do nothing in our house. Complains that I don't get up to make breakfast on weekend mornings, "That has never been your strength." Damned right it's not. Shortly after we got married he told me that it was my "jab" to do it. I was like, "No it's not! I will not get up ever to make an early breakfast on the weekend." It's like one of those things-- we both stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights. I will buy breakfast and sometimes even make it ahead, but I don't like getting up early. So be it, it's not my strength. Play into my strengths.

He gets on me for delegating with my older daughters for making meals at times and changing diapers and said that Sunshine complains to him that I do nothing. How the hell can he say that I do nothing? I fold and clean all day long and the kids come home and throw everything off. I transport my children all over the area that we live in. My eldest started loudly complaining four years ago that she'd not left the house in "days" like it was a requirement and started telling me which kids to take with me shopping and I got irritated with her over that-- they play outside and go all over the place and play with few worries. Still, she put it in their heads that if I don't physically drive them here and there then they can't be happy. So frustrating. I told her to see how she feels when she has children of her own when her know it all teenager does the same thing. Children get bored shopping.

I asked him to do two things this weekend, one was to check the shower where the wall is falling apart and the other was to fix the vacuum. He played online, he played with the kids (then acted like it was something he should get a hero award for) and we went on some family outings and he went off last night to his night. . . but he never did the TWO things that I had asked. He was mad when I called him today asking if he'd done it and I yelled at him at work over not doing it. He ended it by saying, "Fine. I'll do it next time." He won't. Women have complained about this for thousands of years.

I hope my children never marry. These things just grate on you. If we weren't married, he'd still court me and I'd still be making gourmet meals to attract him. I wish he didn't take me for granted. As soon as I start getting on top of things I am bad for being anal retentive about the kids doing their housework and asking for help. I can't win.

My second eldest daughter (Peaches) just showed me an award that she got in Japanese for her use of Kanji.

Sunshine is doing well with her Spanish.

Dash has been listening to me practice Russian at night and greeted me this morning with what sounds like perfect intonation that is better than mine.

Tiger just called and loves her French class.

I have nine children-- will any of them learn the same language? My son with the speech impairments wants to learn Japanese. Oh this will be fun. . .

;)

Yesterday my husband and I took the six smaller kids to the giant train model station where we can ride a model train around. It was great! I dropped off the older two (the eldest is at school now) at the state fair. They also had fun but the younger didn't know about it because there is no way I can afford to take them all.

Today we all went hiking in a popular pass and picked berries.

I am flat out exhausted but we had a terrific time.