Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

I am killing myself over this major change. I think I am doing the right thing.

One of the situations that I observed years ago when I was volunteering at women's shelters was that so many of the women whom I served lacked a basic education. Women who were getting ready for interviews were told to come speak to me and listen to me talk. I'd read aloud to them and help them get ready for their interviews. I loved being a certified nurses' assistant many years ago because I was helping people's basic needs and serving them. Am I not doing the same by teaching them to read? I wanted to go to college to be a doctor but that is not meant to be. Social work annoys me but it's my colleagues who got on my nerves. I NEVER had an English prof that I didn't like and I loved my classmates. Why did I ever leave the major?

I have a repulsion to words that are slang. I have a physical reaction to hearing certain words. I went off at an OB for asking me how I was peeing and sent a letter that I am certain burst into flames to a hospital ER for asking me how my tummy was feeling. I love the English language and have serious issues with people who are educated who do not! I left OBs who asked me if I was peeing OK. I got annoyed with nurses over it. I am not only an English major but uptight as well! I don't like being thus; I wish I were less like me at times.

I know I did the right thing, yet I am terrified that I won't have a job when I graduate or be able to pay my student loan debt. I will meet with my adviser in the morning. I hope I will not be wearing my insecurities on my sleeve.

When I ask friends if they think I have made the right choice they hug me or kiss my cheek and say, "You can do anything you set your mind to!" What?!! My life often reminds me more of an I Love Lucy episode with the dizziness of Suddenly Susan thrown in, than of anything serious. (None of that bawling nonsense that Lucy did. That just made me mad!) The "you can do anything you set your mind to" seems to me like a canned response. Of course they don't sit around contemplating my future-- they have more than enough on their plates to even think about what I should be ordering for my next course! I (like everyone else) has to write my own life.

I know that my path will open up to me. Umm, right?

Good Thoughts on today's events that I need to focus on:

  • My tiniest baby has been making me laugh as of late. She is such a little pill. Very, very bizzy. My other kids were exhausting as I was pregnant with the next children. She is into everything as they were at this age but I feel like I am having more fun. I am tossing out baby clothes this time knowing that I won't be getting pregnant again and I feel relief. I am not happy to wind up this stage of her life, but I seem to be enjoying it while it lasts. I have not been pregnant for two years-- this is a record for me since the break between Sunshine (12) and Peaches (17.)
  • My husband and I were getting on by the time we sat down this evening. That was nice because I hate being so hurt. He fixed the damned shower.
  • Peaches did well on a Japanese test today, then actually understood her vocabulary words when I started miming them.
  • One of my sons with special needs was put full time in to a regular classroom with promised time to resource when he needs or we think he needs it.
  • Guy Smiley, my eldest son, got in on the miming and put his hand on my shoulder and in his funny way of speaking said, "See! Look at that! I'm a chip off the old block!" Just what the world needs: more mimes. More BAD mimes. :)


Anne said...

You don't want to choose a major, because it's time that you have for yourself. It's your time to be who you are and do what you want. With a large family and a lot of responsibilities you need to get away mentally. However, you can define yourself through a major and a career. You love art? Teach art, you obviously have a great deal of experience with people and children. Write a book. Major in English if you don't mind having a job that isn't strictly related to your major. Maybe be a physician's assistant - that way you have contact with people, you are somewhat independent, but you're not overburdened with being a doctor or nurse. Go to graduate school if you can get a grant, that way you won't have huge debt.

In the meantime, I will enjoy reading your blog. Your children are fortunate to have a mother that really cares about learning and becoming a success in many ways. Thanks for writing.

Tea N. Crumpet said...

Thank you, Anne! I hadn't thought about that! It *is* time to just be myself. What I thought about on my way home today was that what I have to write about is all around me and right in front of me. These kids of mine provide more than enough material.