Massaging my husband

I worked on my husband for two hours tonight. (Sunday.) He's not sure that the fee for the class was worth it,but he said that I am doing better on a technical level. I'd have never bought a massage table had I not taken the class-- it makes a huge difference. He works in public health and quite a few people are interested in massage. What he is telling them is, "If you think you will really pursue it as a career, go for it. If not, buy a table for the largest person you think you will work on and [____] massage books." (He tells them the ones from my class.)

I started to get mad-- I was working on him and the moment when the memory of my teacher yanking my nose hit and it just ticked me off. I was really mad! I put my energy into my husband's leg and he was very content. I put all of my weight into him and it hardly registers for him. I did shiatsu on him which made a huge difference-- he did feel it. My hands are getting strong.

Anyway-- my husband enjoyed his massage and said it's enough for me to do it on him. (I have also worked on a few friends since the class. It's good-- I take no money. I don't know that I will.) I played Pandora and I worked on him to Randy Travis radio.

I tried a new tea today-- it's tangerine tea made by the Republic of Tea. I don't know how to describe teas in snob terms, but it's delicious. I like the idea of a Republic of Tea. . . my own grand little country! :) I drank six cups today; I am a bit wired and stressed out!

I finished it

My husband is proud of me but the past few days have been hard. My nose hurts-- it's a one on a scale of one to ten, but it hurts. My teacher has strong hands.

I feel so sad and so angry!

Why didn't he handle this better? I am not wrong for feeling like I was being attacked and running. I had to go back and deal with him and I didn't want to. He is catty! First he rambled about cranial sacral massage and how great it was when I went back-- he did everyone but me. Of course I'd filed a report on him, but I felt assaulted. One of the benefits of the class was that he worked on all of us. Why didn't he say to me that he would work on me BUT that if I felt he was doing anything wrong to say, "Stop." and he'd stop? I asked him in private if he'd work on me and he said no-- did his no empower him? I respected his no, why couldn't he have respected mine?

As the class kept going even to this morning, he was working on others and he'd take sly glances at me and raise an eyebrow. In effect it was, "See what the other girls get that I won't give you because you felt assaulted?" Well, a massage is different from flying at my face! He had said that he'd work on me for my scoliosis-- he never did.

He put me into defense mode-- I have never felt so scared as I did in those less-than-20-seconds that he was grabbing my nose, laughing, then grabbing it again. Why wasn't anyone standing up for me and saying, "Time out! She needs you to stop!" Before he did the exercise he should have told us that if we needed to stop to just say so and he would. The fact is, I told him to stop and he laughed and did it again.

He told me that he'd do the emotional release on me yesterday which I in fact was curious and was ready to do. He put it off several times, first, in a few minutes, then at lunch, then after dinner-- last night at the dinner break, his SO's birthday, he told me he'd work on me this morning before the test. We made eye contact a few times and he'd walk away. What gives? Is he that catty? Why couldn't he have just stopped when I told him to stop? After he grabbed my face on Thursday night and he agreed to never ever do it again, I trusted him! Why was I wrong for freaking out? I am the student-- he is the teacher. Shouldn't he have control? He hurt me-- whether anyone agrees or not, he did hurt me, and I was scared of bodily harm. At first when I said stop, I wanted to just sit back down. When he wouldn't let go of me, I just had to get out. He was not my massage teacher then-- he was something to get the f--- away from.

This is so stupid. I am going over this like it was a car accident! It took just a few seconds and I am ridiculously upset! The thing is, it feels like it was a car accident! There was damage-- and I alone have to work it though. Couldn't he have planned for a bad reaction and made sure that I wouldn't be so freaked that I'd run?

The test lasted two hours-- I worked on my former :( yoga teachers' assistant who owns a cute puppy. Basically, the technique only mattered in how I helped my client. We all passed.

The assistant and I spoke a bit-- she just knew that I reacted badly and I don't know if she was really sympathetic. She says that my teacher for yoga is distancing herself from her massage therapists because they are really-- they sound catty.

I got a massage table out of the deal-- that is great! And some awesome books. I just wish I still had my yoga teacher as a friend (we weren't shopping partners, but I thought of her as a friend and had she ever called me in the middle of the night, I'd have been there for her, but she didn't feel like that for me and it's OK) and that I'd have been friendly with my massage teacher.

Is his "emotional release" a fraud and he knows that since I can't worship him that I would see through it? How do I approach a massage therapist and explain that I have had trauma but that it was caused by this alleged god? If I had a problem with this demigod, I must be terrible.

I'll shake this off. I have to put it behind me. It was traumatic-- what gets to me is that it affected me like it did.

He is to come back here in December but he didn't tell me that he hoped to see me. My investment is down the tubes.

I was freaked out about what I owed, but I was looking forward to paying it and loving the class. May I pay him off quick and may it bring him black fruit if I am truly wronged. While he patronized me in saying how sad he was for what happened, he has already forgotten this and lost no sleep. He will grab the nose of the wrong person. His position as a top massage school person will get knocked down and it will happen from situations like this.

In class he would speak of how students were mad at him for something and that they'd later say that he, the wise master, was right over. I don't know how I can ever think that this is right unless I tell my children about it and explain how people close to us can harm us and why we need boundaries.

My husband said that he was arrogant and self serving and that he is begging to be shot down. It sounds as if he may have been shot at and he likes proving himself for the time being and that this almost gets into an addictive habit. He likes accolades from his acolytes and this frustrates me-- I am not an acolyte or a sheep or someone to follow him or anyone else. I suppose I should thank him for sending me into a bout of fear so at least I know what that is.

Now I need to think about whether or not I want to plead my situation with him and finish school with him or forget about this. I keep thinking, "Only I could pull this crap out of a man revered for his gentleness." WTF? Maybe he is not as gentle as he thinks he is. "The emperor has no clothes!"

This is an excellent article on emotional release. It really seems to emphasize that you need psychological training for it-- certainly it's not for newly minted massage therapists!

Isn't this abuse? This was my vacation-- my time for me. Did he choose to pull the extreme on me because I was the lone sheep in the group? What didn't he just respect my space and let me keep getting the good things that everyone else got? I was the one who asked him to come to Alaska this second time-- I couldn't wait to meet him. So much for his love of all mankind.

I should have listened to my husband when I wanted to do this. He was right. He was so damned right-- about people who do massage and about the profession.

Please shoot me the next time I have any bright ideas.

EDITED AT THE END

I can't understand this. I just wanted to learn to be an awesome massage therapist and be a professional masseuse. It's an excellent way to make some money and since my husband has health insurance I don't need extra coverage. Besides-- massage feels great!

That was not to be.

Last night Mike assured me that he'd not do it again. It's embarrassing to admit that he grabbed my nose-- it almost seems funny in a way, but it wasn't. I don't like anyone in my face and I don't think that I am alone in this. My husband and my husband alone as access to my face. I've birthed nine times and I've had a lot of hands up my vagina, every year I get an invasive yearly-- but my face is my own.

This morning, our hero pulled it again. We sat and he wanted to do something on me so I sat and he grabbed my f---ing nose again! Why on Earth is that good for me? I slapped him. He laughed and did it again and I got up and he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let me go until I told him that what he was doing was against the law. I was reacting, but it wasn't the emotional release that he thought he was getting-- it was me saying (which I said,) "Knock it off. I did not give you permission to do this, this is my body and I want to learn to give a massage."

This was not "emotional release"-- it was provocation. Personal space invasion.

I left and Mike followed me for a ways and he was like, "Come back and I will teach you how to help lots and lots of people!"

(Who do I look like? Florence Nightengale? Yes, I wanted to help the world, but not now.)

I told him to keep his California BS out of Alaska, that this is Alaska and we call it provocation. I had told him no, my no meant no and he violated my trust. He said he'd walk with me and I told him that if I wanted to be around someone that I didn't trust that I'd have stayed and to leave me alone. He told me to please stay, that I'd be a great massage therapist-- oh please-please-please. He wanted an example to the class! "Come back! I will teach you to get sued!" He asked me for just a half hour of putting up with his garbage and I knew that if I went back I'd be beaten down.

F--- that! If I need to have boundaries violated, I'll invite my ex husband and his clan to dinner!

My lawyer was getting ready for his daughter's wedding tomorrow but he was there for me. He met me at his office and he was cute, "Well it sounds like you got some emotional release!" It did feel good-- but I wish I'd not. I had been kicking myself for not reacting last night so at least my reflexes work. We talked for a bit. He asked me if I wanted to go back and I said no-- I couldn't. I didn't like how he used me as an example without my permission, he lied to me, and I didn't trust him to not pull that nonsense again.

I did walk to the police station and fill out forms next. The police would go see him and my loving classmates would say that he meant nothing bad so of course Mike was just fine and he apologized to the police officer and told him to tell me that I was welcome to come back. It was Mike showing how nice he was-- not Mike being genuine. The police could do nothing but there is a paper trail on this jerk. The officer understood how I felt but he couldn't arrest him because of the DA. Will he think twice? I doubt it.

I owe him f*cking $2,000. My lawyer wants me to request what I paid back. Hmph. Mike isn't THAT nice. My husband went down to talk to him like my lawyer said. Nothing will happen, except maybe he will justify himself more.

There is such a huge level of trust in massage and this was just wrong. One of the things that we are supposed to do as massage therapists is to get the trust of the client and respect that. We are not psychologists doing interventions. We are massage therapists creating a safe environment for clients to come in and get touched. I don't know if I will ever be able to even get a massage again. Clients need before any pop psychology to feel safe. I have lost a friend who owns the studio because I had to stand up for myself. What he did and the pushing that he did violates everything about female safety that Georgia taught us. Why couldn't my no have just meant, "no"?

I am really sad because I just wanted to take a fun class. My husband took off a week of work so I could learn. My husband consoled my tears, and he insists that it's not my fault-- but what the extra money will do to us makes me so sad, because he will have to take on a second job to pay for it. I was not doing anything wrong down there and I did not ask to be treated like that! Why did he single me out?

Before it happened, I feel like he'd decided to try it on me. In class this morning he was talking about how he did things that hurt clients but that it was good for them. He spoke of how he did things that hurt people but how they would react badly and come back later and thank him-- oooh! Is someone full of himself?

Alaska wants to get a 500 hour massage training. Screw that. Make it that only poeple with psychology degrees can do that and then they will be able to provide staged interventions, because Mike went outside his boundaries as a massage teacher and tread in areas where he was not welcome.

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The thing is, not everyone is like this guy and you know what? No one cares if I don't go back. I'm just silly. Most people get their friends to join them in things like this and I really need to do this with someone, but there are few people who I like seeing so much that I could stand a 10 day massage class or a weekly study. I was omega sheep, alone, young looking and seemingly helpless and not likely to react. Mike was a wolf. I will never go out again and do anything like this.

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I went in-- what a stupid thing! Mike was apologizing of course in front of everyone. He used the same apology he did last night when I told him that it was wrong! I started getting weepy and had to go to the bathroom a few times. The women in that class are the daughters of pigs-- they had told the police that he'd not intended to hurt me. I don't want them touching me. I will massage tomorrow but I do not want massages from them.

He wasn't refunding any money and I am sad. I can't handle being with that man at all.

A week from now this will have passed. I need to pay the bill and get over this.

I wish that Alaska let me get my hours from different schools.