Saturday, June 21, 2008

I went back. . .

I went back in today-- I was still hurting and he told me that it was emotional, not physical. I was upset and told him that he was wrong and he told me to leave if I wanted to be like that but that he hoped I'd try to like it as we were getting some former students in that I could work on. I did and I quickly liked them. (I also went last night-- while not drunk I was on Benadryl, a shot of Kaluha. I was teary.)

A few minutes into the day and meeting the new lady, my pain had gone. I did some face work on her and started rethinking the situation-- had he grabbed me hard? Why did it feel hard and why did it hurt so damned much? I have to tell you, this made me wonder about witnesses right after an event. I called DH rethinking it and he said that it was an emotional response, but one to protect me. Was it less valid? He says it was stupid for him to have had this going on without an out for anyone doing it.

He defended himself to my husband with, "No one has ever reacted this way and she should not have done that." DH said to him that he knew me for less than a week when he first did that and that it was shocking that he did it a second time and worse, in front of people with no way for me to stop what he was doing. No matter how outgoing I am, I am not one to respond well to someone using me as a bad example, and that women are not likely to respond in an adverse way because women want to be part of a group. He'd already made me feel threatened and he made it worse when he did it a second time, then didn't let me stop what he was doing. I'd told him that it was abusive the night before when he tried it the first time.

Today we talked about it-- I told him that I was not sorry for the reaction because he sent me into fight-then-flight and that anything coming at my face will get me to turn my head or react. I realize that he probably did not grab my nose and shake it, but that it did hurt. I was sorry that it happened. This guy is really a nice person.

DH says that he is flying without a net. He said that in that exercise should be performed with the explanation that he tell us about it, which he didn't but also with the understanding of how to end the exercise,which he did not do.

As for me-- if I ever do this again, I will ask first how I can stop the exercise before I start it, but how many understand this, that they need to ask?

What is getting to me right now is that when I fought to get away from him, I wasn't thinking, "This is my massage teacher who has come from California to teach me good things." At first I was just getting the hand away and communicating to make him stop and I'd go sit at the table. Then it was that I had to get away. I think that when he grabbed my wrist, I just needed out. I wish that I'd fought harder. He should have been in better control, like telling us that if we didn't want to do the exercise that we could say no, thank you and not feel like we had to participate.

The people who harm others are often people the victims know. We need boundaries with people. We get undressed with this guy near by (he averts his eyes) and I wonder how many boundaries get crossed.

My intuition is that I did the right thing by fighting and even staying away. My nose is still sore but it's a 2, not an eight. Am I imagining it?

As a friend put it, it seems like pop psychology. I will take his cure tomorrow-- to do the emotional release where he said I'd just has a few people with me and that he'd tell me everything and not surprise me. Why don't massage therapists need to work under a psychologist if they are doing this? I really don't think that MD though this man has, that he was not qualified to do this. He should have painted clear exits for us and someone there to help discuss the situation if anyone needed out. Am I such a freaskshow that because no one else has a problem that I shouldn't? I don't think he should be doing this!

Why didn't he do what I needed? He kept saying that he'd get my scoliosis massage (that my yoga teacher swears makes it improved) "later." I have a grossly infected toe that he is an MD that he can fix but he also put off and off but now won't do. Why didn't he do what I really needed?

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