Tuesday, June 03, 2008

A "I'm the Poster Girl for Planned Parenthood" Post-- Laugh with Me!

The other day my husband got paid and I had to do some shopping. We were low on everything and I took The Boys, DD4 and DS4 (The Boys are DS1-3; DS4 is part of The Babies) with me to the store. DS3 wasn’t feeling too hot so I asked if he wanted to stay home with DD3 and DD5. DS3 said he was fine and wanted to go. I don’t mind leaving DS3 home because he is a cutie bug—he doesn’t usually fight with DD3 when he feels like this. I dropped DD2 off at work and went to SuperShop.

I know that y'all have a sense of humour and surely y'all are aware of mine. Please know that I am finding humour in what I am telling you all about my shopping excursion!

At SuperShop I decided to get snacks from their deli before I shopped. You know how shopping with an empty stomach works—you load up, or rather I load up on easy to make stuff that costs me a fortune because my stomach and brain are saying, “Just get in, get out and get home and eat!” While standing in line, DS3 said in his sweet, stilted way, “I feel. Like I will. Throw. Up.” I asked the deli lady for a bag and told him to go stand outside and to get sick in the bag if he needed to get sick. He’s 8 years old, so a few minutes outside while I got everyone else their “goodins” was OK.

We got through the line (you can’t buy at the SuperShop deli; you must go through a check-out line) and I went to the door and there was a crowd of 20+ women standing around whispering and I looked to see what was happening. A few feet away on the ground, midway between the door and a freaking park bench, was DS3 sitting on the ground, oblivious of the crowd around him, staring into his empty emergency bag and looking all forlorn. I got his attention and he looked at my bags of meals and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. He was speaking of our “snackins,” (yes, we have our own language) I knew this, he knew this but the other hens did not know this. Security was brought out. They confirmed that all was fine and I was like, “You never sit on the ground in a store, you are not supposed to sit in front of doors. Why did you sit on the ground right out side the door with a bench two feet away?” He said his legs were tired and he didn’t want to walk! I told him to just sit on the bench next time. He never did get sick but he slept all day. (I'm just glad he didn't need to use the bathroom!)

I am glad that someone said something to security because you never know because people have been abducting children since time immemorial and our society recognizes this, but I was still stressed out.

I got him home to DS3 (14) and a fight commenced. She gets a little bossy and he was in no mood to put up with her. I appeased them both (threatened to not let them have pizza with us for dinner!) and left. DS3 slept all day so he must have had something.

We went to SpecialtyShoppe to pick up a few specialty items. DD4 (5) saw the lone unisex public bathroom and indicated that she had to use it by grabbing her crotch in a full Michael Jackson grab at which point DS4 (4) did the same as did DS1 who is 10, but is a bit slow and forgets that he shouldn’t do that—he doesn’t process like most kids do. I calmed them all down while DS2 stepped aside and acted like he didn’t know us. DD4 and DS1 took turns in the bathroom, and DS2 is 9 and pretty cool and helped DS4 in the bathroom. When DS4 came out, I asked DS2 if he had to go and he said no but I told him to try. His eyebrows shot up and went in and locked the door and started grunting! “Uhhhhh! Rrrrrrrrh! This like having a babyyyyy. Ahhhhhh! Oooooh. [Mimicked flatulence with mouth noise.] Yeah. I’m so glad I tried!” People in the store could hear him and the kids were giggling and I was keeping a straight face. He came out and said, “Man, that was tough but I sure am glad that you insisted that I try!” He chortled to himself and I turned my head to laugh and give him a noogie.

We went back to SuperShop. DS2 needed to push a cart with the plants and a 40# dirt bale. I feel bad that I don’t entrust this to DS1—but the store was busy and DS1 gets creative when he goes places, even with a cart: he tries to ride them, pushes them into people, runs and with them, etc. His development is behind. He is not a bad kid by any means but I have to stay a step ahead of him. I just said that it was DS2's turn. (Later, he and I will be at the store alone and I will let him push a cart while I walk with him and pretend I am not paying too close attention while steadying him and slowing him down.)


DD2 called me up at 3 to let me know she got off work early. I said I’d be there at 4. She didn’t understand that my plans were set and got annoyed and asked if I could get her “like. . . right now?” I’d get really annoyed and have to apologize for what I’d say because she had no idea how silly things were.

When I went to get her, she saw that my vehicle was loaded to the windows with foodstuffs and plants around the kids. She apologized to me and asked why I didn't just wait til she got home to do my shopping, but the truth is, I can't stay in a vacuum.

(My husband has the older boys in baseball and it's cute with DS1 because around so-called normal boys, I have decided that while there are always exceptions to the rule of how boys act, my son with special needs isn't much different! His uniqueness is getting more pronounced and it's bugging him and he has been asking me if I wish he was like other kids. I finally told him, "Next time you are at baseball practice and you feel out of place, look around at the other boys and see what they are up to." My husband said that last night he did start watching other kids and was a little surprised-- he saw him smile and shake his head. Two boys on his team were whining, another kid is the poster boy for mood relaxers and was climbing the batting cage-- so what if DS1 doesn't have great muscle coordination or say his multiplication tables well!)


Emperor Ropi said...

well your life is a bit confusing. I also have nausea in crowd sometimes when there is no enough Oxygen. I think the funniest thing is how you mention your sons and daughters. It reminds me to Star wars because those codes are like R2D2 or 3CPO.

Anne said...

I will be taking mass quantities of birth control pills after reading this post. I have no idea how you do it, or rather, I have no idea why you have done this to yourself! I'm going to go into my quiet little corner and read a book. . .

Tea N. Crumpet said...

I complain but I do so with much love! Any one of these guys on their own are easy-- it's the numbers that swamp me, but their antics are funny at the same time that I am ready to yank out my hair. One of these guys will be an intern for you one day, Anne! You will notice them because chaos will be reigning at your clinic and my kid who has become an adult will shoot up an eyebrow at you and say, "Situation normal!" They won't even work up a sweat!

steve said...

I had a little problem figuring out the DS and DD codes. I assumed the S was for son and the D for daughter, but DS3 seems to be female. Maybe I'm confused. Anyway, it's quite a story. And I thought three children (2 of them 13 months apart) was challenging. My youngest just graduated from high school--most of his senior speech is on my blog.

BTW, your mix of the Southern "y'all" and the British "humour" is interesting. Someone once told me that Faulkner used British spellings in his manuscripts, which the editors Americanized.