Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Anxiety Attack

Does anyone else get this way during finals? Oh my goodness! I am so scared of my Russian final. I am not getting it. I want to cry.

I woke up in the middle of the night and I had been crying in my sleep. I feel guilty because I am not spending much time with the kids. I want so much to do things with them like listen to them read which I've not done in weeks. I do-- but it's like, "I have ten minutes, come in here. Let's read." or, "OK, tell me your times tables-- good!"

My husband said that I am fine-- they are seeing the sacrifice for school and college and they also attack their homework voraciously.

The other day my "baby", TeaCup, covered my mouth with her sweet little hand and started pointing to pictures in her books with me. She didn't want me to say anything, but she pointed to the pictures in the order I have done, would smile at me and turn the page. She likes to draw in her books. I have a problem with this but I just take the pens away, "This book is all done! You will have to write and illustrate your own!"

They had a friend's daughter come to the house tonight. She is just a little older than Boom-Boom. The older boys taught her to play Pokemon and as my friend and she are leaving state in a few days for the Christmas break, the kids, seeing my mail art, each want to make her a post card. Like me, they want to choose the stamp they use to mail it before they do their mail art! They watch us all the time, do they not?

My friend is a single mother and her windshield wasn't working. My husband was so sweet-- he looked at it when we got home from class and told her to go with him to the box store to get a windshield. He didn't even want her driving with it like that. He didn't let her pay-- while it's a small expense, for all the times friends and even strangers rescued me-- once for the exact same problem, he was really happy to give something good back to the universe. I'm not bragging about it-- but I was happy, too.

I am stressed over silly things right now. Sometimes I wonder if I am inventing things to worry about. I don't like drama but it's easier to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for hours and hours than it is to focus. When I don't instantly get something, I feel stupid. I have been trying though so I think the material really is quite difficult.

A good male friend called me yesterday to see how I was faring. He's a lawyer and close to retirement. He used to be a professor as well. He was trying to help me and said, "You know, beginning Russian is a freshman class. There is not reason you can't get it if you really try." I didn't get mad at him so he could hear it on the phone-- I started laughing and told him of all the books I have gotten on learning a language, it's, "French made Easy!" "Spanish made Easy!" "German made Easy!" Russian made Possible." Just like, "Japanese made Possible." He laughed with me over it and told me that I am smart and that he knows I will get it. (He's never wrong.)

I want to work because we are barely getting by on my husband's salary. We need a retirement and we want to expand the house. On his salary alone we make it, but we have bills. I am also afraid of something happening to him-- when my mom was my age she feared the same thing with my dad as he had a heart attack at 38, and she wanted to support us if she had to. My mother-- as much as I do not like her much of the time, is one savvy business person. She was relentless and made goals and scored them. I'm more of an academic, but she was just brilliant and I could never be as great as she was in business.

Still, when I work it will take time from the kids. I don't know how I will do it and maybe i can write to earn a living, but so many people are trying to do just that! I do know that the kids having two college graduate parents are way more likely to complete college than with me not doing it. I talked to an academic counselor who supported this with statistics.


Emperor Ropi said...

You must be a bit nervous before an exam. My parents said if you are absolutely calm then you will screw it. It is not true because I am usually calm before it.

steve said...

Your remark about Russian reminds me of Mark Twain's "The Awful German Language," where he said you could learn English in thirty hours (except for the irregular spellings and verbs), French in thrity days, and German in thirty years. Maybe Russian is beyond that. I briefly studied basic Polish, and that was mind-boggling. I think it had more cases than German.

I have a feeling you'll do fine. Break a leg, as they say in the theater.