I Drive Me Crazy. . .

I got home. Oddly, posting that I am in one piece was my reward for getting home.


Driving scares me. I pray before I drive. At night it is so frightening even when the roads are good. Tonight-- you couldn't have asked for better roads.

I was still a mess.

On the way to town, I was in an area that is wide open. I had good visibility and my daughter had just called and needed me to get her as she was VERY sick and could I please get there as soon as possible. I could have driven fast and would have enjoyed it but I had my daughter in the car and really wanted to impress upon her that we need need to obey the speed LIMIT, not treat it as a speed SUGGESTION. There was a car behind me but as I am frazzled on the road I don't notice anything about the vehicles around me unless they are semis. After about ten miles, that car pulled up next to me, flashed his lights for a second and sped off-- it was a police officer in an unmarked car. Was he telling me, "Good job!"? I didn't go over 65 and was probably a tiny bit slower. That was cool.

My daughter was not feeling well. I offered to pick up what she needed at the store but she wanted to go. She went in with her sister and they seemed to have had fun.

Still, driving home was scary again. I didn't want Sunshine to catch on-- the only thing worse than being told she'd be a bad driver is being taught that it's normal to cry behind the wheel! She knows that I hate to drive at night and that is enough. I listened to The Pointer Sisters sing Neutron Dance, Jump, and Dare Me probably 100 times! They make me stay awake. That's something else-- when I drive I get scared but tired at the same time.

I am not an alcoholic; I am a cheap drunk. One glass of anything makes me sleepy, but as I drove I felt my muscles tense up. I wanted a beer, a Margarita-- anything. I got home and decided against it--if alcohol could make me relax after I drive how desperate must I be to drive and think a drink might make me relax? Too many emotions are in this. I am having hot tea and Verona Pepperidge Farm cookies. I also have some prescription relaxers-- but again, if I take those now, what if I get anxiety and think I need to drive with them? No substances are allowed to be associated in my mind for driving. As I type, I stretch and hear bones popping. I am relaxing! Now of course I am wired but tired. I'm proud of myself-- while driving has to seem minor to almost everyone, my lack of driving for years defined me to people. I was accused of having responsibility issues and no one understood how I could honest to God think I couldn't drive! I had to defend myself to strangers, then hear, "If you parents were my parents I would not be like you." I really came across as what I was-- scared and dependent, but I didn't know how to get independent when they kept saying terrible things! (My parents leaving state was the best thing that ever happened to me.)

I have noticed that when I am tired that my eyes take turn with dominance. (I have a hard time shooting after a half hour or so because they start trading involuntarily!) That happened tonight and I had to control it, "OK, eyes-- you are both tired but we are not sleeping until I blog that I am home and talk about tonight." I elected when to switch. I can't see out of them both at the same time-- I have no depth perception. They switch dominance and my field changes. Now if one of my children had this there are things that could be done to help correct it. I'm just lucky that I can use them both. I had several operations when I was little to fix it and while the lack of depth perception is a problem, my eye doctor thinks that because they don't always work at the same time, I have kept them from getting strained. I have the prescription that I had when I was nine years old and it's actually gotten a tiny bit better.

Anyway-- I am home. My husband couldn't do the presents and was laughing when I got in. "I guess St. Nicholai is Russian! He writes in Russian, too and his handwriting is very pretty. But he wasn't here to hand out presents!" That was cute. We'll do it tomorrow night.