Thursday, November 22, 2007

Contemplations

My friends all have read this. My dad died on 2 November last year. We never got along and I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that I don't miss calling and having him say mean things about my family size, politics or whatever. Holidays are hard because the only time we got along was when he was dying and now calling my mom isn't so hard. Her new boyfriend is totally cool. He is 70, has no children of his own and loves the vicarious aspect of her children. She says he laughs at my emails. I wish my dad was around but in a nice way as a nice (as in different) person. So far I've yet to talk to this guy but my mom is laughing and seems like she is having fun.

Don't get me wrong-- my mom is catty as ever. Every conversation with her has to be braced for.

I am thinking about all that went on while he was dying, reliving everything that happened and how I was reacting to external things unrelated to him. I feel terrible-- he was like a sore tooth! I know he'd be sad to read this or know I feel this way, but for God's sake, he was painful to me! Those last ten days were a great ten days with him. I was honored to be with him, and the cranes taking off as he died were amazing-- but I don't miss the man who I knew the other 37 years minus those ten days. He told me that he was "hard" on me for so many years to make me stronger. I wanted to thunk him for that-- he was cruel. He'd come in and just start raging on my weight or my boyfriends or my friends-- my friends were on the debate team or in drama, and he liked to pick on the ones with speech impairments or who were fat or whatever. He thought I was fat. Did his picking make me stronger? No! It made me weaker and I'd cry. That's like sticking holes in a boat and seeing f it can still float! What a dick!

I send his cemetery paper cranes to put on his grave and I show my love by telling the kids great stories about their grandfather, the rancher who raised horses worth lots of money. . . that were too good for his children to ride. Grrrrr. I don't tell them that I hardly rode-- they don't need to know that. It still eats at me. It will stop. Scar tissue grows over wounds.

  1. I'm thankful for the ten days I had with him
  2. I'm thankful that my family appears to be over the flu now
  3. I'm thankful that the court mess that my ex husband had me in for four years is over with and has been over for three years
  4. I'm thankful that my husband had a great birthday party
  5. I'm thankful that I have nine sweet children
  6. I'm thankful that in spite of almost having an accident last night that I am OK and no one's car got hurt!
  7. I'm thankful that my eldest is home and we have at least one more holiday together right now
  8. I'm thankful that my children and I have an open relationship and that they love me
  9. I'm thankful that my husband is a pretty nice guy
  10. I'm thankful that we have good neighbors with decent kids
  11. I'm thankful for a good mechanic
  12. I'm thankful for having good medical insurance
  13. I'm thankful for a great doctor who asks lots of questions about my symptoms
  14. I'm thankful for being in college
  15. I'm thankful for having a computer that works.

(None of the thanks are in any order. They ARE my life.)

4 comments:

Naomi Joy said...

you have 9 children?!!! Surely they must not all be birth kids?

Deb said...

My mom just died in April but it was the complete opposite - she was my best friend and, at the end, right before she went into the hospital we were "strained". I was snapping at her and even threatened to walk out of her life at one point because she was being very (unusually) cruel. We later learned that she had inoperable brain tumors that were causing her behavior - a lot of guilt tied in to how I treated her during what must've been the most confusing thing in her life. I miss her so much and, although I was with her every day in hospice, I wasn't there when she actually passed...I was on the bloody phone at home and, again, that one causes me some grief.

You are wise to recognize things as they were and not try and sugar coat them in your mind. It's part of acceptance vs denial and keeps things "real". I'm sad for you that things were as they were - how wonderful, though, that your mother has someone now who sounds wonderful.

I love your "thankful" list (especially the part about the mechanic).

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

Dan said...

Tea, this is a very touching and extremely honest post. Seems like the two of us are really going through some of the same stuff right now. Hugs to you to help get you through this.

Thanks for finding my blog. Very cool of you to visit.

Emperor Ropi said...

I am happy in some point because we don't have thanksgiving. I don't know why I should be thankful. The first thing popped into my mind was my grandmother's food. She is brilliant at cooking.