Don't get me wrong-- my mom is catty as ever. Every conversation with her has to be braced for.
I am thinking about all that went on while he was dying, reliving everything that happened and how I was reacting to external things unrelated to him. I feel terrible-- he was like a sore tooth! I know he'd be sad to read this or know I feel this way, but for God's sake, he was painful to me! Those last ten days were a great ten days with him. I was honored to be with him, and the cranes taking off as he died were amazing-- but I don't miss the man who I knew the other 37 years minus those ten days. He told me that he was "hard" on me for so many years to make me stronger. I wanted to thunk him for that-- he was cruel. He'd come in and just start raging on my weight or my boyfriends or my friends-- my friends were on the debate team or in drama, and he liked to pick on the ones with speech impairments or who were fat or whatever. He thought I was fat. Did his picking make me stronger? No! It made me weaker and I'd cry. That's like sticking holes in a boat and seeing f it can still float! What a dick!
I send his cemetery paper cranes to put on his grave and I show my love by telling the kids great stories about their grandfather, the rancher who raised horses worth lots of money. . . that were too good for his children to ride. Grrrrr. I don't tell them that I hardly rode-- they don't need to know that. It still eats at me. It will stop. Scar tissue grows over wounds.
- I'm thankful for the ten days I had with him
- I'm thankful that my family appears to be over the flu now
- I'm thankful that the court mess that my ex husband had me in for four years is over with and has been over for three years
- I'm thankful that my husband had a great birthday party
- I'm thankful that I have nine sweet children
- I'm thankful that in spite of almost having an accident last night that I am OK and no one's car got hurt!
- I'm thankful that my eldest is home and we have at least one more holiday together right now
- I'm thankful that my children and I have an open relationship and that they love me
- I'm thankful that my husband is a pretty nice guy
- I'm thankful that we have good neighbors with decent kids
- I'm thankful for a good mechanic
- I'm thankful for having good medical insurance
- I'm thankful for a great doctor who asks lots of questions about my symptoms
- I'm thankful for being in college
- I'm thankful for having a computer that works.
(None of the thanks are in any order. They ARE my life.)